Deeper Than Poetry
A Chinese proverb says:
"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still."
I know that fear,
feeling like everyone else is moving so fast
and you're not moving fast enough.
you feel like you're sprinting but somehow your distance is less than half ...
of what everyone else is doing.
We're supposed to be on equal footing
but things just seem to come easier to others.
And this isn't even a thing about colour - this poem isn't about that.
You're running toward what you want
but afraid of where you're going-
Getting there and not thinking you deserve it
Not knowing when enough is enough or
when what you have isn't good enough.
That satisfaction you think you're supposed to be feeling
but next thing you know, you're falling and
then you're kneeling- staring
Looking down to the ground and
only have memories of the feeling.
You could move on to what's on the greener side
fresh grass, fluorescent flowers
it's something that you’ve been growing and
cultivating for a for a while.
That’s the side where you succeed.
You put in the effort.
You push and shove and
success grows from that small seed.
That you never thought would become anything
It's something
you want.
Your life's child.
But it's a place you don't want to get to know
its a place where you know
people will start to expect things of you
- that's scary.
The things you don't expect from yourself
but you find yourself wanting and
wanting others to want it for you too.
But if you start to want something then you could lose it.
And if you lose it -it'll hurt
and when it hurts then you'll go back to wondering:
“Why he hell you even moved in the first place.
I feel like a tree sprouting leaves since 1995 but my roots are older than that.
My parents have money now but how they got here is worth more than that.
My struggle isn't even as heavy as that and I feel like my will is weaker than that.
You don't know what you want but it's scarier than that.
You're pushing yourself to be more because you're supposed to be greater than that.
All you have to do is try but it's more complicated than that.
You want to stay in bed because nothing is safer than that.
You can't get hurt if you don't try and nothing's easier than that.
And you'll stay there because you don't feel like you need anything other than that.
You won’t move because you don’t think you deserve more that that.
No need to climb a mountain when
You can’t even begin to think about conquering that.
You can't eat because you can't bring yourself to digest that
and you don't talk to anyone because
they'll tell you “To just do it.”
“Just get up!”
“Just try.”
I had to find my grace in the spoken word
Figuring out what I want
Deciding what it is I need.
Letting my words speak for me.
Do I have to just... get up and succeed?
Will I be able to stand tall
Take the hits as they come
Stay steady
Unyielding
Hiding behind a shield and
never wielding my sword
Poetry is supposed to be my weapon against all the things trying to hurt me
Including myself
It's supposed to be my safe haven
Where my word become the clouds
the ride on my way to escape
My freedom My therapy
So I should just write.
Just write what you feel
Be the roots of your own tree.
But it's deeper than that.
and this ...
This is deeper than poetry.
